Four Days (2/3)

[sakurawitch.livejournal.com]

Part Two


December 22, 2018
Saturday

It was only half past six in the morning. Clearly, it was still very early and the cold morning breeze was telling Luhan to just fucking go back to sleep but his senses were very much awake. He only slept a bit, a little over three hours, and normally he would be so cranky throughout the day. But he just couldn’t stay put. He knew that he needed to talk to Minseok.

Luhan slowly sat up from the bed and ran his fingers through his hair. He recalled the way Minseok’s face looked when he told him he had a girlfriend of two years. His beautiful face had stayed neutral, but somehow that bothered Luhan a lot. Minseok’s face was always full of expressions, so full of life, and at that moment, he didn’t see any of that.

“Whatever it is you’re thinking of, I just want to say I’m happy for you.”

He pulled on his hair in frustration and kicked back the blankets that had gathered around his feet. He really needed to talk to Minseok.

Luhan jumped out of his bed and put on his pants, sweater, and jacket quietly. Yixing was still asleep on the bed opposite to his and he was thankful that his best friend was a heavy sleeper. He then made a quick trip to the bathroom before he walked towards Minseok and Jongdae’s room. Why are they rooming together in the first place? He shook his head and knocked on the door. “Minseok? Are you awake?”

Luhan pressed his ear against the wooden door and almost cried triumphantly when he heard soft voices inside. Maybe they had gotten up early. It wouldn’t be a surprise because Minseok had always been a morning person. When the doorknob finally turned, Luhan patted his hair down and took a deep breath.

“Luhan-hyung?” Jongdae groaned as he opened the door, rubbing his eyes with his palm. “Why so early?”

Luhan’s mouth was open but no words came out. He had expected Minseok to answer the door, but then it was Jongdae who was just in his boxers. He could feel his lips settling into a frown. “I…just figured that Minseok and…well, we three could go for a morning walk?” he asked, noting that Jongdae’s hair was so messy. Boxers and messy hair. He didn’t know if Jongdae saw his hands clenching tightly on his jacket; the lead vocalist just gave him a knowing smile.

Luhan was about to ask Jongdae something when suddenly Minseok walked out of the room while yawning. The older man was still in his clothes he wore last night.

Minseok clearly looked surprised upon seeing the Chinese man standing by their doorway so early in the morning. “Luhan? Anything wrong?” He asked, blinking the sleepiness away from his eyes.

“Nothing. I just—”

“Hyung wants to take a walk.” Jongdae butted in and walked towards the bedroom slowly. “Sorry Lu-hyung, but I think the bed is calling for me again. Anyway, enjoy your walk.” He placed his hand on Minseok’s shoulder for a moment, before he went inside the room and closed the door.

Minseok turned to look at Luhan who was still standing by the doorway. “A walk?” he asked.

Luhan nodded almost too quickly. “Yeah. We’re not done catching up, are we?” He said, wiping his hands on the sides of his jacket.

Minseok just looked at him for a moment without saying anything. “Okay.” He said after the awkward silence. “I could use some fresh air anyway. I’ll get ready. And oh, you can come in, you know.” He grinned before going inside the bedroom.

Luhan blinked in confusion before realizing that he had not stepped inside the room at all. He let out a laugh and went inside to sit on one of the chairs. As he thought of the things he had to say to Minseok, he heard soft voices and laughter coming from the bedroom. He pursed his lips together and tapped his fingers on his knees.

After a while, a fully-dressed Minseok got out of the bedroom. A pair of socks was thrown at him that was accompanied by loud laughter from both him and Jongdae. He then closed the door and picked up the socks from the floor. When he looked up at Luhan, his laughter faded, his lips settling into a smile.

Luhan fought the urge to frown. “Let’s go?” He croaked, quickly clearing his throat after.

The older man nodded. “Okay.”





The snow-covered pathway to the snow park was a bit slippery and Luhan couldn’t help but laugh at Minseok’s clumsiness. Luhan had the urge to offer his hand to the other man, but he hesitated when Minseok kept muttering, “So cold. It’s freezing out here.”

“Here.” Luhan handed Minseok a hot pack he had brought with him. “You can hold on to that.”

“Thanks.” Minseok said through his teeth. He placed the hot pack between his hands while he buried half of his face with his red scarf. “I forgot to bring one with me. Aren’t you cold?”

Luhan shook his head. “I’m fine.” He continued walking beside the smaller man. He slipped his gloved hands in the either sides of his jacket to keep them warm. He glanced at the smaller man’s face and noticed that his eyes were a bit swollen. Was it because of last night?

“The trees look amazing.” Minseok stated as he looked around the place, his eyes widening in amazement. “The snow really covers everything so beautifully. And oh—”

Just in time, Luhan held on to Minseok’s hand when he was about to slip. “Careful there.”

Minseok grinned. “Thanks again. You’re my life savior.” He chuckled. But even as he laughed, he slipped his hand away from Luhan’s slowly and muttered about how his socks were to blame for his clumsiness. “These socks are really bothering me.”

Luhan glanced at Minseok as he quietly buried his hand in his pocket again. “Why is that?” he asked.

“These aren’t mine. I feel uncomfortable. But I can’t help it, my socks are missing.” Minseok sighed as he continued walking.

Luhan followed him closely. He noticed that Minseok was being talkative and it bothered him a bit. Did he already forget about what they had talked about last night? Luhan wanted to clear things up with him, to finally talk about everything that had happened to him and to them for the last four years; he didn’t care about those goddamn socks of his. “Whose are they anyway?” he asked, mentally punching himself.

“Jongdae’s.”

“Oh.” Luhan blinked and looked down at his snow covered boots. “Jongdae and you seem closer than you were four years ago.” He whispered, feeling the snow seeping into his boots.

Minseok nodded, looking up at the sky. “Yeah. He did a lot for me during those years.”

Luhan felt something lurch in his chest. He let out a shaky sigh, feeling his hands getting clammy. He knew that Minseok wasn’t hinting on anything intentionally, but Luhan knew that Jongdae was there for Minseok during the time that he was hurt the most.

Seemingly in a trance, Luhan just said, “Why do you even need Jongdae’s socks?”

Minseok stopped walking and turned back to look at Luhan. “Are we going to be honest with each other?” He asked.

The Chinese man stayed silent but he nodded nonetheless.

“Jongdae and I…” Minseok started as he kicked the snow gently with his boots. “We dated for a while.”

Luhan’s eyes widened impossibly. He gaped at the older man to see if he was just making a joke but Minseok wasn’t smiling at all.

“But that happened a year after we broke up and it ended as soon as it happened. So don’t worry about it.” Minseok shrugged, suddenly sprinting to where the snow-covered trees lined up together. He plopped down on the snow-covered ground and began making snow balls. “Should we have a snow fight, Luhan?” He asked, grinning widely.

Luhan just stood there, dumbfounded. He wasn’t sure how he should properly react to the fact that Jongdae and Minseok dated, Minseok dated Jongdae who was in the penthouse with them, and Jongdae who was in the same bedroom as Minseok. Just as he was about to say something, he suddenly felt something cold hitting his face. He turned around and blinked.

Minseok laughed at Luhan’s bewildered expression as he continued making small snow balls. “You had a stupid look on your face a while ago. I just thought I’d make you handsome.” He chuckled and attempted to throw another ball towards the younger man.

“Yah!” Luhan exclaimed and ran towards Minseok who had squealed in return. He gathered snow with his hands and threw them at the older man, shouting “Confetti!” at the top of his lungs. He knew that the people who were in the snow park were looking at the two grown men oddly, but Luhan didn’t care.

Minseok laughed with his eyes crinkling into small slits, and Luhan just wanted to bask in the nostalgia, even for just this moment.

“Should we make a snowman?” Luhan asked as he gathered up piles of snow close to him, making a small hill.

“Do you wanna build a snowman~” Minseok hummed suddenly.

“Oh! Frozen!” Luhan exclaimed, gazing at the smaller man fondly. “Go on, sing.”

Minseok stuck his tongue out playfully. “I think my diaphragm turned rusty with months of not using it.” He looked over to the medium-sized ball the other man was making and he immediately gathered enough snow for him to build a snowman with. “You’re the one who should be singing.” He added quietly.

“Well what do you want me to sing?”

“I don’t know. An EXO song?” Minseok suggested.

Luhan hummed to himself as he contemplated on what to sing. He thought of just singing the ol’ Silent Night or any ordinary Christmas carol, but something immediately popped in his mind when Minseok glanced up quickly at him, their eyes locking for a mere second.

Luhan cleared his throat before singing the first line of EXO’s very first Christmas song, “I’m struggling to find you who I cannot see…”

“Ah. Miracles of December.” Minseok quietly commented before he went back on patting the snowball he was making.

Luhan tried focusing on both singing and building the snowman (that was getting ugly with every patting he did), but his eyes kept shifting to the smaller man in front of him. As he sung the lines of “The selfish me who has only thought about myself, the me who didn’t know your feelings and ignored it,” his heart’s beating against his chest picked up its pace. “I couldn’t believe myself that I have changed this much.” He paused for some seconds as he tried to breathe properly.

Minseok gazed up at him with an unreadable expression, his small hands slowing down on their work on the snowman. Luhan saw the other man’s plump lips parting to sing along the last line of the song and Luhan heard himself hitching his breath.

“Your love can still move me like this.”





By the time Luhan and Minseok got back to the penthouse, the rest of EXO-M was already eating breakfast that was especially prepared by Yixing (with the help of Yifan). He noticed Yixing waving at him and pointing to the empty chair between him and Tao. His best friend scooted to the right side so as to give ample space for Luhan to sit on the chair. He glanced up to look for Minseok and then saw him going over to the opposite side to sit beside Jongdae.

Luhan didn’t know that he was holding his chopsticks so tightly.

Minseok, however, wasn’t aware of Luhan’s current situation and was just fixed on cleaning the rice bowl thoroughly with his spoon.

By the time everyone was seated, Tao began telling everyone about the daily drama he was part of. Luhan barely reacted to the youngest member’s news because he kept watching Jongdae put pieces of warm tofu on top of Minseok’s rice bowl. Minseok had nodded his thanks in return, smiling widely at the lead vocalist.

“Luhan.”

Luhan jumped a bit at the sound of his name and glanced at Yixing. “Mm?”

Yixing pushed the still full rice bowl to Luhan. “I think you should just eat.” He said.

Luhan blinked at Yixing. The other Chinese man just nodded at him knowingly. He looked at him with questioning eyes, but he thought that he could ask Yixing about that later. For now, he’d have to settle on looking away whenever Jongdae and Minseok talked and laughed heartily with each other.





After breakfast, Yifan had suggested going skiing. Luhan remembered the time during the filming of their reality show, “Showtime”, and the rest of members couldn’t help but feel nostalgic. Tao and Jongdae had raced to their room to get their skiing gears. He looked around for Minseok and saw him talking to Yifan about something.

Luhan had expected for Minseok to stay behind, like what happened five years ago (they had stayed in their shared hotel room while the rest of the members played in the snow—they liked the warmth from each other more than the coolness of the snow), but he didn’t. Minseok walked out of his room with his skiing gear perched on his shoulders.

“Luhan ge! You’re not coming with us?” Tao yelled from the hallway as Jongdae shushed him for being so annoyingly loud early in the morning.

“Nope! Just enjoy skiing!” Luhan exclaimed, his attention shifting to Minseok who was putting on his boots. “Be careful there, okay?” he said.

Minseok looked up at him and smiled. “Okay.” He tapped his boots against the floor to ensure that they were fitted well before he walked towards the hallway. “Have fun cooking with Yixing.” He managed to say as Yifan pulled him impatiently to the elevator.

Luhan waved at the four guys before he closed the front door. He let out a sigh and just stood there by the doorway, contemplating if he should have just gone skiing with them.

“If you want to go skiing, go.” Yixing said suddenly from behind him, effectively startling the other.

Luhan turned back to look at his best friend and found him already walking away. “You scared me!” He exclaimed as he followed him back to the kitchen, his best friend returning to watch the pot of boiling ox-tail soup closely. “But nah, I’ll just help you out.”

Yixing grinned. “If you would, then thank you. But I don’t think you’re going to help at all.” He said jokingly.

“You know me well.” Luhan laughed and sat on a chair. He looked down at the polished wooden floor and traced doodles with his socked toes. “Listen, Yixing.” He started.

“Hmm?”

“Am I an asshole?”

Yixing burst out into a laugh. “What kind of question is that?”

“The thing is…” He trailed off. “I…I’m sorry. For five years ago.” He whispered.

Yixing stopped stirring the soup just to look at the other Chinese man. “You did nothing wrong, Han. But if that would make you feel relieved, I’ll say that all of the boys understood and have already forgiven you. Otherwise you wouldn’t be here in the first place.” He twirled the ladle with his fingers. “Heck, even Yifan wouldn’t be here right now.”

Luhan kept silent as he continued tracing various patterns on the floor with his toes. “…even Minseok?”

Yixing walked towards him and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. “I’m sure he had already forgiven you. You don’t need to worry about that.”

“Yixing.” He swallowed. He knew he wasn’t supposed to ask, but he just couldn’t ignore the itching feeling in his heart. Tentatively, he bit his lower lip before asking, “Is it true that Jongdae and Minseok dated?”

The dimpled man was taken aback for a second, probably wondering how Luhan knew of that. “Kind of?” He slowly walked back towards the stove to put the chopped vegetables in the pot.

Luhan huffed. “Why are you hesitating?”

“I was thinking of an answer that will not make you feel uncomfortable.”

“I’m not—I have someone else right now.”

“I know.” Yixing paused. “But you’re still asking.” He pointed out.

Luhan frowned.

“Han. I know that you haven’t moved on. You say you’re happy now, but you really are not. I’m sorry that even though you’re my best friend, I’m a little biased towards hyung with that matter.” Yixing said with his back turned to him. He stirred the soup with the ladle that was almost too big for the pot.

“Why is that?”

Yixing sighed deeply as if he was contemplating if he should even talk about this with the former EXO member. “After you broke up with him, his state was horrible. You don’t know what he went through. He became depressed and he lost a lot of weight. Even the fans noticed that something was wrong with him.” He put the lid on the pot and finally turned around to look at his best friend, his arms crossed in front of his chest.

Luhan clenched his fists in frustration. “But I didn’t want that to happen. You know that!” He said through his teeth.

“He was also devastated upon hearing the news that you were already dating someone else—”

“But I needed to!” Luhan snapped back.

“—but that’s all over now. You don’t have to worry about that. I’m sure he’s moved on as well.”

Upon hearing those words, Luhan slumped back on his seat, unclenching his fists. His lips trembled as thoughts of Minseok crying to himself and seeking the help of Jongdae clouded his mind. “Yixing…I didn’t want to, okay? I had to break up with him. It was getting hard and…” His body was beginning to tremble and he just wanted to break down altogether. “Now, I still love him. I’ve loved him for all these years. I’ve never stopped, I’ve never…” he trailed off, his voice getting hoarse.

Yixing slowly walked towards Luhan and ruffled his hair as gently as he could as he always did even when they were still trainees. “You have to go and tell that to him yourself, not to me.” He whispered comfortingly as his other hand rubbed circles on his back.

“Do you think he still feels the same way?” Luhan asked quietly, his voice shaking.

“I don’t know, Han.” Yixing whispered back. He wished he could make everything better for his two friends but he knew only the two of them could do that. “I don’t know.”





It was already six o’ clock by the time the rest of the guys had gotten back to the penthouse. The boys were all hungry (as said by Tao) and luckily for them, Yixing had already prepared dinner for all of them with the help of Luhan. As they slurped on the five-hour-boiled ox-tail soup and munched on the beef that was grilled by Luhan himself, Jongdae had told them about Tao’s epic skiing fail. Tao had complained that they really enjoyed picking on him and it was unfair, but that only elicited a louder laughter from the rest of them. Luhan watched as Minseok laughed at the way Yifan teased Tao about it. He expected that the older man will meet his eyes eventually, but they don’t.

After dinner, the six of them flocked inside the living room again. Jongdae brought out an empty soju bottle from the kitchen, waving it to the rest of the guys.

“Who wants to play truth or dare?” Jongdae asked in that sly tone of his which elicited various intensities of groans and frustrated grunts.

“Let’s not play that boring game!” Tao exclaimed. He really didn’t want to because whatever he chose, he always ended up embarrassing himself.

Pouting, Jongdae sat on the floor and put the bottle down. “Then what do you suggest, genius?” He asked, clearly not pleased.

“How about story-telling?” Yixing suggested, laughing when Yifan, Tao, and Jongdae groaned in return. Minseok just put both his palms to his face.

“Yah. Don’t you have better ideas?” Luhan nudged the dimpled man playfully.

“Come on, it will be fun. We just have to connect the situations from the previous story-teller and then BAM! We have a terrible story to tell.” Yixing guffawed.

“Fine, fine, let’s do that.” Luhan said, waving Tao off when the panda-like man tried to protest. “Yifan, you should start.” He suggested.

“Don’t blame me if this story turns awesome.” Yifan smirked. “Once upon a time, there was a man named Kevin.” he started, fighting the urge to burst into laughter upon seeing the rest of the guys’ sheepish and disgusted faces. Yifan reached up to the sofa to grab a pillow to hug before continuing. “Kevin was a very handsome man. He was also very tall. He was the perfect guy—the end.”

“What was that?!” Jongdae hollered as Tao threw his own pillow at Yifan.

“Come on, be serious!” Yixing exclaimed.

“Well Kevin was the perfect guy. I’m ending it there. You’re turn.” Yifan pointed at Jongdae.

“Sheesh. Thanks for that.” The lead vocalist rolled his eyes but he cleared his throat nonetheless for his turn. “Kevin was the ideal type of everybody, but nobody knew that he had really smelly feet!” He paused when Yifan threw a piece of corn chip at him. “His feet stinks so bad, he really didn’t want to take them off whenever he visited his—surprise, surprise—girlfriend in her apartment.” Jongdae pointed at Tao for him to go next.

Tao kept silent for a minute, furrowing his eyebrows in concentration before starting. “The girl, who was really beautiful but really stupid for picking someone like Kevin, was aware of his smelly feet. But she loved him so much that she really didn’t mind it at all. What bothered her was that Kevin didn’t pay as much attention to her as compared to when they were still in their first year of dating. Kevin seemed so full of himself nowadays, she thought. She wasn’t sure if she should break up with him.”

“Whoa—someone’s getting all serious here~” Jongdae remarked.

Tao waved him off as he covered his face with his pillow because of embarrassment. “Whatever. Your turn, Minseok-hyung.”

Luhan was not going to lie—he was looking forward the most to what Minseok would tell. He leaned forward in anticipation, his eyes taking in the handsome but beautiful face of Kim Minseok that was slightly contorted with concentration.

Minseok coughed a bit and clasped his hands together, looking down at his hands. He pursed his lips together and began, “She didn’t really want to break up. She loved him because he was perfect in his eyes, but his flaws just made her love him even more. But she knew that it wasn’t the same anymore. Kevin barely called her anymore. He didn’t tell her about his day with so much enthusiasm unlike before. He’d forgotten to say ‘I love you’ to her… It was if the girl didn’t exist at all. She thought it was unfair because she loved him too much, she chose him over anything else, but…” He trailed off. He suddenly pointed at Yixing, urging him to continue.

With every word that Minseok had said, Luhan felt pangs of guilt. He knew what Minseok was trying to say. Everyone had gone silent as soon as the older man finished his part and Luhan knew it was because they knew. They knew what happened back in early 2015, when Luhan’s calls became less frequent until—

He could only grip his own pillow tightly.

Yixing glanced at Luhan and Minseok briefly before starting. “It turned out that our handsome Kevin was having a dilemma. He wanted to go work abroad and he knew that if he goes, he’d have to break up with the girl. He loved her, but he needed to follow his dreams too. The girl didn’t know that Kevin was distancing himself from her so as to not hurt her more, but he didn’t know that was he was doing was really killing her inside.” He then looked at the man sitting beside him. “Luhan?”

Luhan pursed his lips together in silence.

“Luhan,” Yixing nudged him gently. “It’s your turn.” He whispered.

Luhan nodded and blinked rapidly. He took a deep breath. “He broke up with her eventually.” He glanced up and saw that Minseok wasn’t looking at him. “Kevin thought he knew what he was doing. He thought he could fix himself, cure himself from the ‘sickness’ that other people were telling him he had.” He gritted out. He knew he wasn’t making any sense with his part because this part was not about Kevin at all. “He thought he could straighten himself up with the help of another person…but he realized that he couldn’t change who he was—that he couldn’t change who he really loved.”

It was about him and Minseok.

Yixing locked eyes with Jongdae, the both of them seeming to understand the whole situation. Before Yifan could even continue the story because it was already his turn, Luhan spoke once again.

“Kevin fought off the changes. He wanted to come home. But when he went back to the girl’s apartment, he realized he had been too late. He was…left behind. She had learned to love someone else.” Luhan looks at Minseok once more and then he couldn’t breathe when Minseok met his eyes. He felt something lurch in his chest. “He had so much to tell, but he couldn’t say them anymore. He couldn’t say he still loved her.” he muttered.

Minseok looked away quickly.

Awkward silence completely reigned in the room before Jongdae suddenly exclaimed, “Y-yah! That’s not even funny anymore!” He griped in exaggeration. He knew what was up and he just wanted to lighten up the mood again.

“Yeah. What was that? Kevin turned into such a wuss.” Yifan complained. Tao laughed at that, slapping Yifan’s arm in the process.

Luhan scratched the back of his head, sticking his tongue out at them. “Sorry, I just watched a drama earlier so, yeah, that was the outcome.” He laughed as he leaned back on the couch, noticing that Minseok stood up to excuse himself to go to the bathroom. He then felt someone massaging his back; he turned around and saw that it was Yixing.

The dimpled man nodded at him with a reassuring smile before he told the guys that it was time to sleep.

Luhan watched as the guys stood up to go to their respective rooms like obedient children. He wondered if Minseok would come out of his and Jongdae’s shared bedroom; Luhan waited for a while, but he didn’t.

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3